How many of you who planned to have a crashed marriage? No one? I bet you all wish to spend the rest of your life enjoying a happily ever after life just like fairy tales heard when we grow up. I wish for that too.

Some friends of mine has turned bitter toward their marriage (though still in it) and no longer consider it a grace. A gift of happiness. They has turn against marriage as burden, obligation to fulfill. I wonder what has caused it. Yesterday, when my hubby was at home we talk. He asked, what will happen if I yell at you? And with mean in heart, I answer, I will keep my silence. This scheme somehow struck me deep. In my conscience, there is battle whether this is right or wrong. We never could predict the future. My future or my hubby’s future. The future of our speech, our deeds, our thoughts. The scheme that I have told my hubby last night has found denial.  So, because I can not predict it, I try to wish it. I try to paraphrase it into poems. This what I wish for. Not exactly in words spoken, but in meaning. That life will be good to our marriage. That my hubby and I will have more love than what once blessed in the church. That our relationship is deeper that a written statements of husband and wife. Wider than the ocean of life itself. I want my hubby to love me and I love him, till our body shrinked (in health), our faces wrinkled, until death put us part. Call me dreamer if you wish so.

A wish in poems, this is the background of my writtings. My first poem published online. Check on the link below, and if any of you’d like to send a comment, do not hold it.

http://www.authspot.com/Poetry/The-Last-Message.110052

with love,

Yedija

Baru-baru ini gw lagi baca 1 buku. Kategorinya inspirasional (menurut gw) berjudulkan Everest in Your Life. Pengarangnya bernama Gary dan baru masuk ke bab 3. Eh, sebelumnya gw inget kalo gw lom kasih penjelasan kenapa gw enggak pake bahasa Inggris.Eh, ga perlu? Ya udah deh. Gw mau pengumuman !! (duh maksa banget sich..?) Hari ini gw males banget nyusun sentence, so daripada repot ya mending pake bahasa ibu aja dech (^_^… dah ketebak ya?!)

Btw, this book yang lagi aku baca itu ngisahin tentang seorang cowok, asal Australia yang berusaha menaklukkan Everest dan udah berhasil menaklukan Everest. Yang hebat dari buku ini menurutku adalah filosofinya yang luar biasa. Bahkan buat gw yang cuma sedikit menggemari naik gunung dan sama sekali enggak getol panjat tebing. Pengalaman pertama dan terakhir gw nyoba ikut panjat tebing adalah di wall WAPALHI dan cuma berhasil naik sampai 3 m sebelum terbanting ke bawah. And that’s it!

Hanya saja begitu aku baca buku ini aku jadi merasa betapa hidup tidak harus dimaknai dengan apa yang ada didepan mata. Kadang-kadang hidup bisa berbicara kepada kita tentang kiasan-kiasan yang maknanya baru kita tangkap 2 – 3 tahun, atau bahkan seumur hidup kita kedepan. Hidup selalu bisa memutarbalikkan pandangan kita yang dangkal dan membawa kita ke sebuah tahapan dalam hidup, entah naik atau turun (ciee… sok filosofis ni yee).

Socrates Cafee yang lagi kubaca berbarengan dengan Everest in Your Life lagi membawa kebingungan tersendiri. Habisnya, terlalu filosofis. Terlalu abstrak. Mungkin emang belum nyampe kesana kali ye?! But, it’s worth time to read. Kita cuma harus mengendapkan dalam hati. Coz, maybe one day, I’ll be able to understand it better.

Bab III, Everest in Your Life yang aku baca ini menyisakan 1 hal yang menarik. Cobalah untuk bertualang dengan lebih sedikit beban. Baik itu petualangan secara spiritual maupun fisik, coba untuk membawa lebih sedikit barang / beban, dan nikmatilah 1 cara hidup yang berbeda. Yang lebih menantang dan lebih mengesankan. Yang tidak terlalu terlindungi dengan segala “tapi”, “kalau” dll. This is easy to hear, ‘hard to do’ stuff. Btw, aku merasa bahwa ide-nya patut dicoba dan dipraktekkan. Aku belum bisa sih, cuma aku bayangin mungkin hidup akan lebih nyaman that way.

Any comment?

To me,working is a privilege. Several weeks ago nothing I could do but laid helplessly due to  dengue fever and minor attack of Salmonella Typhii (was it correct?. Couldn’t even walk straight. I needed someone taking care of me almost twenty four seven. I wasn’t paid. I even should pay for the hospital. It was time when I realize that working is the privilege for those who are healthy in body and mind.

We all can’t deny that working sometime turned into boredom. Especialy when it was all about routines, nothing connected to live and death matter. We all need to be heroic sometime and when no space for us to be one, in a while we become frustrated. On the contrary, we who deal with problems everyday could be frustrated as well, due to so many things to solve. And then we feel heavily burdened by our job and no longer be able to enjoy or even to think that it was a privilege, an honor.

Some months ago, I heard a preacher said that working is a curse. And if you read genesis 3, there’s stated that men was cursed to work due to his transgression, his sin. And he will toil the land till he come to what he was, ash. But I believe as a believer today, this curse has been broken by sacrifice of Christ. That makes working as something else. It’s no longer a curse, it’s a way mankind express their gratefulness to the Lord or a way to fullfil his/her purpose of living in this world. Working is chance to prove the existence as human being. It’s not always a work require blood and sweat to be poured out. It’s not always about man wearing black tie and coat and office bag. It’s not always about negotiating value or picking up the phone, paying a close watch to statistic. Working is not always about that.

Working should come in our mind as something different. I don’t know how to say it right but it should be an expression of heart content. Whether by picking up garbage on the street, helping our spouse to clean up the room, baking cakes for our children or merely watering the garden. Or it’s about doing our office work as good as we could. We could put our heart into each assignment that we have and not only as it needed. Sometime, we should walk a little more miles when we try to put our minds into it, but believe me. It’s worth it. When our works come from our heart and the enjoyment manifested, there we shall find that work is no longer a burden. It will be the end of your boredom. No longer as punishment. It’s a gift, a privilege given to human being to make their existence more meaningful.

Just a little thoughts on working, you may have other opinion. Please leave a comment if you don’t mind to share.

Happy working

Trouble with sleeping? Me? Ohohohoho… of course not. Any place is my sleeping bed. Beside my workplace of course. I couldn’t sleep at the curch as well. By the way, have you got any problems with sleeping?

I do have times when I couldn’t sleep at all. Usualy, these are times of distress. Time when my thoughts couldn’t find a resting place. Scorched with thoughts, fear, anger or else. But when I get so deeply distressed, I get sleep so easily. Hardly find time to wake up.

Now trouble with sleeping, these below things are what I do when I get it.

1. Check uout the weather, is it cloudy? Is it about to be raining? This kind of weather usualy hot and humid. Almost unbearable. Taking a little walk outside will help you to wipe of the sweat. Or taking a nice shower, drinking water also helpful for this situation. Actually, hotter water is better but if you dislike the idea – not so cool water will be okay.

2. Reading. This option is good only if your eyelids don’t clip each other will your mind wondering away. Serious! This can happen. Your eyes are sleepy but your mind won’t let you rest. When this happen, try to wake up. Take a sip of water. See if your bed allows you a comfortable position. Pile up some pillows, make it as comfortable as possible and prepare some hard, thick book to read. For you Christians, Leviticus and Deuteronomy is the best to start with (I mean it!). Reading helps your mind to focus so that chaos in your head will start to organize itself.

3. Praying. Some people pray before sleeping only to find that the night has passed before they say amien. So this is a good way, too. ^_^

4. Cry. Some people hold some problems in their heart and in their head. This hidden problem usualy caused us insomnia. Some people realize it and find healings. Some don’t and keep questioning on how to sleep without admitting that they have this hidden thoughts. Try to find it first, maybe you need a release. And crying is one solution. Some research said that tears from distress and from pain has different content. The ones from distress brings out relieve for those who do. Don’t be afraid to cry. Or if you feel ashamed, do it on your own room. Have the key locked. Some people say that after crying, you’ll be able to sleep.

Usualy, one out of these four way works for me. I try some light medication. But this is so rare and I don’t suggest it.

Hope this could be helpful. Happy sleeping

Yesterday, the could hanging trough the sky. all kind of cloud. the small ones,the big ones. Shaped in all kind of things possible. You could play with your imagination once you look upon the sky. I can’t take such privilege though. Due to my means of transportation, I should take a very careful thoughts to the street so I won’t be crashing while look at the sky. hehehe…

 By the way, the cloud also hang in my eyes. It’s getting blur each time I remember my husband. He’s living in Pati while I stay in Semarang. To be away is hard and to be separated once we’re together is harder. But do I have a choice at the moment? Nothing. So there’re clouds hang in my eyes, ready to fall as ticks of tears. Call me cry baby, call me whatever. I just want to tell the world about what I feel at the moment where even the voice of my hubby cannot wipe  up the cloud in my eyes. Ssssshh…..!

Enough for the cloud, yesterday when I returned from my hubby’s home I took aride on a bus. Where I saw such magnificent thing (for me), I saw the wind swirling in the air carrying sands from the street. Swirl, swirl, swirl and drop the sand some meters away from its former place. Don’t you think it’s beautiful?

once upon a time, there’s a creature whose name is Ana. Whose personality was splitted into three. Who then created a diary called Philosophia Indeterminiva, which came not from her llectual background. It came naturaly from her instinct. She crawled for identity, understanding her true self. Her complex being. Somehow during the way, this philosophia indeterminiva has given her to be melancolic as Ana, to be strong and manly as Ian and to be just usual girl as Kris. Her three personality indeed blended carefully as time goes by but not without rejection to one each other.

So for some age in her life she has been so much distracted with her personalities that he learnt to adore men along with hating them, discarded girly things while her other personalities cherished them. Or just don’t know them at all. Many opposites qualities were grown and found each places in her small litle head.
To bring her pain and happiness beyon her expectation.

Maybe her stories of splitted personalities were untrue, maybe it was only about search of her trueself.it was her teenage story, where she were casted back and forth by her dreams, idealism and youth spirit. The stories which create her philosophia indeterminiva, philosophy of unknown things. Which in this term were her.And in this case, me.

the morning started at 5 am, the alarm was ringing heavily only to be turned of in second. And suddenly, the electricity was off. Dark in outside and then a familiar tick-ing sounds were heard. Small, firm and persistence. Not quenched for a single minute. Can’t  tell how long the rain poured down to earth. I just knew that when I went for morning meeting in the office, we needed to take umbrellas with us otherwise we should change our clothes (which is not an option at all).

Do you hate morning rain? I don’t. To me it sounds like a music to my soul about how powerless are we before mother nature. Too steep is the understanding of this mighty universe compared to our limited wisdom. Ah, if only I could be under my blanket when the ticks falling down.

Once or so, the rain fell when we have to go to church for morning sermon, rain even fell when we tried to celebrate Christmast last year. Rain even fell at my wedding day. Do I hate it? No. It is a gift to have rain fall in our land these days. I just feel bad when the rain falls to punish and drawn over a city or a village somewhere….

Anyway, I personally like rainfalls… I like it’s voice…. it’s feeling when it touch your face. Like thousands of fairies clapping their little hand try to wake us up from our dream. Their cold touch to give us sense of being. Gosh, I start day dreaming. Hahaha…

Enjoy the rain, pal. Will come days in years that rain is expected but nothing comes but scorching heat..

What is your first? First date, first night, first priority, first day, first……. etc. This is my first day to office after taking a week off. Btw, I’m newly married. A lot of things happens recently were the first for me.

Being with someone on the same bed when I wake up in the morning (I follow save virginity for marriage law, you know), share my favourite pillow, have to wait for my husband to fully awake before I can talk him to give me aride somewhere (you name it: mini market, restaurant, laundry center, etc), the first for me to  serve someone else but my self. Lots of first things, you know…. And it isnot easy to coup up with, especialy when it comes to m-o-n-e-y thing (upssss!)

But it isnot without a payback. I can watch my lover face all night long! (during dating time, we live by some hundreds kilometers away to each other), feeling wanted every second we’re together, a granted wish to build a family with my beloved husband.

Surely it wasn’t an issue. I just want to share about the first thing in my life and yours. And how it improves or deteriorates your life in all. The first experience used to be awful, some would be extraordinarily amazing. Some would just say, a so-so things. But anyway, the first is something you start and try to finish. And if you had anything nice or bad about the first, please comment on this post.